Saturday, June 11, 2011

Wax On, Wax Off

I'd apologize, but I tried that the last time I posted and wasn't really all that apologetic when I did it. Lately, I've been working to the point of exhaustion while spending very minimal amounts of "me time" interspersed. I think I've allowed myself to wander a bit too far away from what I'm trying to do and I think if I go too much farther, it'll be too steep of an incline to crawl back up. So, I've decided to do something about it - start drinking again.

I've done absolutely no writing whatsoever in at least a month and I'm very much pissed at myself about it. Part of it comes from the fact that I'm disappointed that I still haven't managed to complete the paperback publish of T7H and part of it comes from being burnt out and allowing my mind to wander. Sure, I enjoy the company of women as much as the next guy, but I'm not getting anywhere in the long run. I need someone to come along, tell me, "Hey. I'm single, attractive, intelligent, and have a personality. We should get together."  And I'd be all like, "Okay." See, if miracles were real, my life would be much easier.

I need to refocus and reinstate my value system. My philosophy of minimalism is really falling by the wayside as of late. By removing obstacles and ignoring distractions, I can reduce the amount of stress in my life by breaking everything down to the essentials. The only problem with that, of course, is that it leaves no room for anyone else in my life. A close friend recently told me that she noticed a change in me and that I'm, for lack of a more appropriate word, "better" than I used to be. I'm more open and socially interactive, whereas before I was more stand-offish and withdrawn. That makes me feel good to hear that, sure, but it also opens me up for a whole shit ton of problems should I choose to follow that route. I'm sure that I've more than totally confused the women I've been dating with my on-again/off-again routine.

I don't even know what the hell I'm talking about at this point.

Basically, here's my dilemma - do I continue the path I'm on and actively try to pursue a fruitful social life like everyone else or do I return to self-deprivation in order to complete the work I feel that I have to (and almost need to) do? Seek fulfillment in the company of others or seek fulfillment completing my own goals and desires? With this job, I only have so much time allotted to me and me can't physically and mentally do both.



KimW86 said...

What it sounds like is you have a need not to choose between the two but to learn to find a balance. These two life paths are not mutually exclusive. I know you think you can't have both but can you be truly "better" until you do?

Jim said...

For the time being, if I don't choose one or the other, I make no significant progress in either. I can't get any writing done if I don't stay dedicated and I can't tell someone, "Hey, that was fun. See you next month." At some point, yes, certainly these life directions can become intertwined. But for now, I must pick up one and drop the other.